Be kind, be encouraging

I asked my grade twelve students to write a brief description of both their best experience and their worst experience in their entire school career so far.  I would then gather their notes and read them back out anonymously.

The results shocked me – and taught me a valuable lesson.

Without exception – and I promise you, I am not exaggerating here – EVERYONE’S worst experience occurred in elementary school.

In each case it involved someone – usually, but not always, a teacher – being mean to them, or subjecting them to some sort of invalidating treatment.

On the other hand, almost everyone’s best experience involved someone, usually an adult, acting in a kind or encouraging way towards them.

This tells us a lot – not just about being a student but about being a human being!

First it tells us that the validation, or respect, inherent in an act of kindness is hugely meaningful and lasting. 

It also tells us, of course, the opposite; that invalidation or lack of respect is deeply hurtful and memorable.

As a teacher it also tells me why so many people have such negative feelings towards teachers in particular and the school system in general. 

The implications here are important.  Who wants to work for, or learn from, people who act in a disrespectful manner?  Who wants to even spend time with such people?

On the other hand everyone likes to spend time with people who are encouraging, non-judgmental and supportive.

I think we can all look back on our school years and remember a few teachers whom we felt close to and for whom we would work extra hard, as well as those we felt exactly the opposite about.  Such feeling, of course, extend to co-workers in the workplace well after graduation.

It’s all about respect and validation of the self.

We need others to be present, to listen and to be encouraging. 

That’s what our friends do for us and what we need to do for each other and our children.